Happy Non-Christmas Copyright © Richard Whiting 2010

They proposed a new austerity measure;
Christmas to be held every four years.
Commerce reacted with customary outcry;
Tesco, Coke, Delia;
But then, they redoubled their efforts for birthdays
And entered clandestine negotiation with the Pagans.

Children threatened a march on Westminster;
Worried about a White Christmas.
But a clerk from the Office of National Statistics
Reassured them that ‘no snow had fallen on Christmas Day
In over thirty years’
And they put their sleds away.

The Clergy showed initial concern;
That those who only came their way
For the Yule-Tide and for funerals
Would now not darken their doors
Until like turkeys carried in
Boxed and oven-ready.

Great Aunt was a little saddened
Lamenting the loss of friendly cards
The stable, holly, a gambolling fox.
But I pacified her grief
Noting that three less Boxing Days
Would please old Reynard proud.

The final Christmas was counted in;
The man with the H.D. grin
And wide-screen eyes
Sees the choir of King’s College Cambridge
And clutching his X-Factor Compilation C.D.
Screams ‘turn that garbage off!’

Then the first Non-Christmas.
Not everyone complied;
Police were called to a house
Where a neon Santa was seen climbing an illuminated ladder;
Substances believed to be mincemeat and stollen
With a street value of £2.75, were taken away for tests.

I rose early for work on the twenty-fifth
To look for signs of the old festivity.
Outside the fields were green and wet
With the complete and traditional lack of snow.

I turned on the radio news and there it was;

The complete and traditional lack of
Peace on Earth.

Happy non-Christmas.