THE POST Copyright © John Snell 2010

Oh I do really like opening the post
But my wife says I've got it wrong
I shouldn't open other people's
Because I think it's been there too long

She's nicknamed me Pinochio
And says my nose is two feet long
And because I'm always sticking it
Where it doesn't belong

There's so much excitement and joy around
Every morning the mail drops on the mat
I rush from the shower in my birthday suit
I'm so glad the wife doesn't know that

Hardly able to contain myself
I shout the postie a loud "thank you"
Who forgot to draw the hall curtain last night
As I stare at the postie, she's new!

Hope I don't get reported as a flasher
Because that would ruin my day
If the magistrate called me a perv
And has me put away

Back to the opening of the post
I do it at the breakfast table
Wife sits there, doesn't say a word
And I'm so excited I'm unable!

I first sort the mail into three piles
The junk, myself then the wife
I can tell by the way you're listening
You think I don't have much of a life

On the contrary my dear friends
I'm having the time of my life
But must confess I'm most looking forward
To seeing a smile on the face of my wife

She doesn't smile or say a word
Until she's had her cereal and tea
Although she may lift her eyes and scowl a few words
Like "Is there anything for me?"

Finished sorting I sadly realise
There appears to be nothing for me
Think about opening the two for the wife
Behind the paper, so she can't see

Before this though I turn to the junk
As always it's the largest pile
I hand some across the table to the wife
Who's still not managed a smile!

That appears to have been a wrong move
As a holiday brochure she sees
Two weeks for the price of one
On some place called Belize

Normally I do a second sort
Before I let her see
Anything that involves spending money
Cos we're broke, her and me!

I tell her the holiday has been booked
It didn't take long to arrange
Cos we go to Skegness every year
But I sense she's looking for a change

I sift through my pile of junk
I find things being offered on the cheap
But still we can't afford anything
So I throw them on the heap

Yes my friends the heap's so large
I can hardly get out of the door
I've written to the Post Office many times
Asking them to send no more

As her indoors finally opens her mail
I see excitement in her eyes
She jumps up from the seat and does a jig
She's won a Premium Bond prize

As I'm glancing up towards the cheque
I could hardly believe my eyes
She's won a measly fifty quid
Wow! What a wonderful surprise!

We'd need three more noughts on the end
To help us in our plight
I want to get rid of the cat and dog
But that always ends in a fight!

Well here ends another day opening the post
We don't appear to have any more
And what started as the height of pleasure
Ended up a total bore!