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Vacancy Copyright © Richard Whiting 2011
Why have I applied for this job?
Well, I like the Company;
Everything it stands for.
Iʼm not here to make friends.
The workforce? Iʼm in control.
You see that one there
Through the glass?
His wifeʼs ill, canʼt work
So heʼs desperate for hours.
Heʼll do anything I want;
Iʼm Billy Smart.
Heʼs the elephant.
Her? Oh sheʼs no good;
Old Manʼs down with dementia;
Runs around to get home
Before the place burns down.
Had a few knocks in her van,
Sick recordʼs on the brink,
An easy target! Tick, tick, tick!
That one? Yes. Heʼs part-time,
Covering a chap with cancer.
A real dilemma that case.
The guy had a perfect record
But heʼs just broken through the
Acceptable Absence Level.
Somehow I couldnʼt write the letter
And Iʼm normally good with words.
Problem Solving? Oh yeah! I e-mailed my boss
And he wrote the letter.
Figured no-one knew him at our place
So the blame wouldnʼt fall on me.
Had my name circulated at Head-Office
As Cost-Cutting Champion.
I posted his cards today,
Canʼt wait for the quarterly bonus.
Pride in my work? Oh yes.
See that bloke there?
(Reads in his break, proper weirdo.)
He says to me the other day
Are you proud of yourself?
Kind of nice of him I thought;
But heʼs a bit strange as I say,
Told me I should take a look at myself.
Mind you, you know how my nameʼs Ken?
Well, he always calls me Dorian.
I mean Dorian for goodnessʼ sake, Dorian!