Vacancy Copyright © Richard Whiting 2011

Why have I applied for this job?
Well, I like the Company;
Everything it stands for.
I’m not here to make friends.

The workforce? I’m in control.
You see that one there
Through the glass?
His wife’s ill, can’t work
So he’s desperate for hours.
He’ll do anything I want;
I’m Billy Smart.
He’s the elephant.

Her? Oh she’s no good;
Old Man’s down with dementia;
Runs around to get home
Before the place burns down.
Had a few knocks in her van,
Sick record’s on the brink,
An easy target! Tick, tick, tick!

That one? Yes. He’s part-time,
Covering a chap with cancer.
A real dilemma that case.
The guy had a perfect record
But he’s just broken through the
Acceptable Absence Level.
Somehow I couldn’t write the letter
And I’m normally good with words.

Problem Solving? Oh yeah! I e-mailed my boss
And he wrote the letter.
Figured no-one knew him at our place
So the blame wouldn’t fall on me.
Had my name circulated at Head-Office
As Cost-Cutting Champion.
I posted his cards today,
Can’t wait for the quarterly bonus.

Pride in my work? Oh yes.
See that bloke there?
(Reads in his break, proper weirdo.)
He says to me the other day
Are you proud of yourself?
Kind of nice of him I thought;
But he’s a bit strange as I say,
Told me I should take a look at myself.

Mind you, you know how my name’s Ken?
Well, he always calls me Dorian.
I mean Dorian for goodness’ sake, Dorian!

Dorian?